On three day weeks for a month to use up some annual leave, I just wish it was forever, I have actually had some time to get my house in order, or at least begin to, things are looking quite positive for a change. There is a spanner in the works though in the form of an ex-wife preventing me from seeing my children, hopefully it’s just a phase that will pass as most things do with time. Next I need to re-invigorate my creativity, I stopped my guitar lessons as my wages took a dip and I have no room for any of my usual technical antics, most of my gear is packed away in the parent’s cellar, my shed and the ex-wife’s garage, unless she has dumped it, I really hope not as that would be going a tad too far. Anyway I promised a post per week and I failed as per the norm, but I will add this and that as I feel the need. Meanwhile I will have a beer and watch some T.V.
August 27th, 2022
How do I feel today? Tearful but relieved. I have taken a week off to sort my shit out, it’s getting sorted bit by bit and not necessarily in my favour. But time has a secret weapon, or is it time gives pause for thought to dwell upon your experiences for justification.
July 29th, 2022
Been going over some of my ramblings in the past and it has dawned on me I might have actually dumbed down a bit! So in essence of the fact that keeping some sort of a journal is actually good for the soul, I am going to make an effort to try and re-invigorate any linguistic prowess I may have once had and make it my mission to do at least one post per week. Do you believe me? Who the hell am I even asking??? Watch this space!
July 14th, 2022
For whatever reason I am destined to live out my life alone so it seems, In all honesty it’s good thing. I dont want to be burdened with others’ baggage, my views and opinions generally go unchecked and I can’t be wasting my life anymore with people who do not listen. Maybe one day I may make friends but I will not hold my breath.
October 3rd, 2021
Another fork in the road that is my lifeline takes a turn towards solitude, is this where I am supposed to be? I don’t dislike myself, I feel I have positive attributes within society only I see society as a failed experiment drifting towards oblivion, this confuses me. Does that make my my feelings null and void?
A quote: ‘It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.’ Krishnamurti.
Society is sick without a doubt so would this make any of my feelings of accomplishment futile. I think not, I am not responsible for how society has evolved, I do the best with the tools I have and my thinking is I get up and work everyday as a part of this societal conditioning we all endure and I have a purpose, I am a cog in the machine. The truth is I would not survive alone and I see an amalgamation of thoughts and ideas between others within a group would benefit, but still I sit alone, Maybe one day I will discover something that explains it all.
September 5th, 2021
Through all my faults and failures I am supposed to be becoming wiser right? From another perspective I haven’t failed, I am just on the road to becoming the person I will be on the day I die, like everybody else. The key is to not worry about that day which I don’t, and to be happy with yourself, which brings me to a point that has been brought to my attention recently, I do not know myself so how could I be happy?
My life is a complex mis-mash of achievements and failures, rights and wrongs and ups and downs but that’s life eh? Have you ever contradicted yourself and stood back and though whoah, hang on a minute, my thoughts and feelings are well in check if I can question my own reasoning, so then cognitive dissonance becomes an impossibility right? According to books and articles i have read from various sources, I am ADHD, Aspergers, Psychopathic, Depressed, Allergic, Introvert, Manic Depressive, Sociopathic and Angst to name a few, I say fuck you. Maybe that’s who I am, another person who doesn’t fit in so he freaks out every now and again to create some balance so he can continue living a massive lie. But ultimately I don’t honestly know.
August 22nd, 2021
What better opportunity do I have to prepare for apocalypse, I am off work but being paid, not much but enough to keep the cogs turning. So why do I dwell? Today I cemented some slabs on the patio…WOAHH!!! that will fight off the anarchists kicking in my door to rape my family wont it…no. I could teach my son Ninja techniques but he’s a snowflake. Get my wife fit now she’s had her back sorted, maybe train her in some jujitsu we’ll see. Firearms training, another thought, Joe has a bit of field training but doesn’t have the personality of a leader. In all honesty I just want the shit to hit the fan asap so we can deal with it, then humanity can carry on without the bullshit we have had delivered to us for decades past.
May 16th, 2020
Interesting situation we are in don’t you think? Or maybe not and you just remain indoors wearing a mask and swilling isopropanol. Whatever your feelings about this pandemic, disappointing as it is, there’s something afoot, even if it wasn’t pre-planned which it could have been, those in power will be taking this as an opportunity to gain more control and manipulate strategies into existence against the masses as I type no doubt whatsoever. So get prepared, I have got one job in life, feed my family, by whatever means.
May 9th, 2020
Wahey 2020. One thing I keep telling myself is all I’ve ever worried about in the past has never come to fruition. Now I worry about the annihilation of Europe by 2025, the possibility that Revelations is guiding us towards a man made exit plan and that I wont be able to buy cucumbers in the winter! What is wrong with me? With global warming and all I should just get me a greenhouse in Canada, sorted. Now how do I get there, the North Atlantic is a pretty hostile environment at times and depending on my mode of transport, could take weeks. How about via Iceland and Greenland? Why not just settle in Iceland, because when I googled ‘Cucumbers in Iceland’ I just found Reykjavik Gin. Pre-Emptive emigration could be a consideration, but with all the barriers it’s unlikely a twat like me would stand a chance. How about form a survivalist group and recruit the necessary skilled individuals to not only travel but eventually set up a functioning society in a possible hostile environment. Whatever, I feel it is time to move on and move far, I don’t know why; a voice in my head, a knot in my stomach or just because. How could I ever live without cucumbers.
January 5th, 2020
Nearly told work to go do one recently, I came within a gnat’s todger of throwing in the towel, they pissed me off that bad. If you want an industry professional and pay them the wages, you wouldn’t make them fix sticky thermostatic radiator valve pins and re-pressurise little old ladys’ boilers for two fifths of the week, how is that good business sense? Anyway that’s how it is for now as I maintained decorum but not without putting up a fight and I am still employed.
Other things? We are looking to moving in the near future, towards the north it can’t possibly be any more miserable as it is down here in the south coast, the wife and I have spoken a lot about it, done some sums and have come to the conclusion that the children are at an age where it will create minimum impact to their lives, another two years and it might not be possible. Housing is cheaper and work in my industries is abundant.
My sister has had a rough year, she lost her best friend to cancer late last year followed by another close friend then her dog had to be put down just before her husband walked out on her last week. I have been doing what I can, fixed her tumble dryer, gave advice on the wiring of her almost completed new porch, cuddles etc. I’m worried about her but I know she is strong willed, I walked in on my Mum sobbing her heart out saying how sorry she felt for her, it’s tough seeing people you love suffer when you feel powerless to make a difference knowing they just have to see it through themselves. I can only offer a cup of tea, a shoulder and a big hug.
Oh and Christmas 2019 is in the Highlands of Scotland this year, will be different for sure.
Laters.
November 23rd, 2019
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